Wallpaper

Have you ever tried to get to sleep, and failed repeatedly? Is your bed near a wall? Then I presume you will have spent a good few hours looking at the patterns in the wallpaper, making faces from the lines...

Last night (well, about 6:15am today actually) I started to devise a picture on my wall. I could definitely see a body and limbs, and some jagged teeth... then it pretty much all fell into place.

I tend to keep a pen to hand when I go to bed, just in case I fancy drawing something before sleep (I do a lot of my sketches there, last night I did a full typeface!) so I thought "sod it, it's my wall!" and decided to draw in the weird thing I had seen. If only to see how it would look.

Obviously, it's very crude and I have no idea what it actually is. Some kind of cyclops with a fat belly, pointed ears, elephant feet umbrella stands on his legs, and arms which have claws despite the lack of fingers. His pose suggests he is falling over whilst drunk, lamely clawing at an invisible wall for some support. Well, here he is:

I reckon I might paint him in full colour someday, if I can be arsed. I don't generally take paints to bed though. Oh, and give you an idea of scale, he's about 25cm across and 20cm tall.

I guess it looked better at 6:15am...

Recipe: Wine Pie

Never make this.

I can't stress that enough, this is the most revolting thing I've ever encountered. Well, probably.

The basic premise of this dish, is to create a pie with a high alcohol content. When we made this disaster a few years ago, there was very little method to our madness. Basically we bought a bottle of cheap white wine from Booze Buster or similar, and some pastry mix to create a lid for the pie. So far so good... but what would also be in the pie? I mean, you can't just have wine sloshing about in the glass bowl we were using for a pie dish with a pastry lid on top, can you?

Some genius decided that bread would do an excellent job of soaking up the wine, and would then be edible. Wrong on both accounts. Regardless, a selection of slices of white bread had their crusts removed, and were placed in the bowl. Wine was added during the process, to create a "layered" effect... in actuality it was more like a "mush" effect. Here's a little sketch to show you the process... though as stated, it is never to be copied:

The lid was then stuck on top and glazed (probably with more wine) before the whole thing went in the oven for a fair while. There was some concern as to the safety of the glass bowl either cracking with heat or exploding due to the masses of wine within it. Thankfully it was fine, but probably got binned soon after.

The resulting product, our wine pie, was the worst thing. The pie crust was fine, a good solid pastry mix, nothing could possibly go wrong there. We even ate this bit of the damn thing, because you actually could.

The contents of the pie were not so appealing, in fact I would say they were definitely inedible. A gooey mush of white bread doused with warm horrible wine which had somehow changed flavour for the worse whilst inside the oven. We all had a go at eating some, but just thinking about it now makes me feel shameful to have done so. It doesn't make me feel sick though, strangely... but not something I would go back for seconds of.

I'm sure the resulting carnage was left to one side for a good week before being thrown out. It didn't mature with age either, it just went smelly.

Never make this.

Giant Crabs

Recently I purchased three more Guy N. Smith crab books, bringing my total up to a healthy eight (including a graphic novel). The new ones in my collection are Crabs Unleashed (a book of three short stories), Crabs Armada (a single short story) and Crabs' Fury (the graphic novel).

I am now only missing Crabs: The Human Sacrifice, the rarest in the series, but apparently it is due to be re-released someday. I'm happy to wait as all the books I have bought direct from Guy N. Smith have been signed, and the recent order also included a keyring, bookmark and fridge magnet... plus some info about joining his fan club and attending "CrabCon" at his house!

Anyone reading this and thinking "crikey, these books must be good if you go so far out of your way to collect them all!" would no doubt enjoy a review of them. Well, I do intend on doing this someday... but not right now. I want to finish my collection and then I can rate each book on a scale of 1 to crab. Crabs' Fury actually contains a very enthusiastic run down of events in all the books, but leaves out Crabs: The Human Sacrifice as one to read yourself. This is because a) it's really rare, b) it's really good and c) it's getting re-released and they want you to buy it.

Anyway, in the wait for me to buy and read this book (when it is released) I thought I should give you a sample of giant crab horror. I found this recently when browsing the internet looking for giant killer crabs, as I often do. It makes no mention of Guy N. Smith, but it is too close to the content of his series of books to not be a homage. Unless they've just not mentioned him in the hope that no-one has heard of him. Enjoy!

To follow this up, The Onion News Network also posted an article about giant crabs a while ago, that still features relevant information. Again, I think they must be aware of Guy N. Smith, though this is much less directly linked than the last video. Still a cracking watch though!

Click-Click-Clickety-Click

Recipe: Pie Sandwich

A nice easy one to follow, this is a good way to use up you last few slices of bread, and a specifically bought pie of your choice. Better than any other sandwich filler anyway. Mine's a steak and kidney! Scotch pies fit quite nicely into a teacake.

Be prepared for a meal made of pure stodge. The most filling thing you could possibly imagine. You may experience some ultimate drymouth before you access the gravy within the pie too.

Here's a completely unnecessary sketch of how to build your own:

Stodge.

Crabbed Into Sunlight 2

...this time it's crabbier.

In actual fact, the name of this entry does not refer to a film. It's not even a sequel to the original Crabbed Into Sunlight post really, I just wanted to re-use the name. Adding a "2" just saves confusion. Or generates it, whichever.

The other night I decided to sketch out a quick banner idea for this here blog. It was just a tiny messy scribble when I was half asleep, so it's far from perfect! It looked like this:

I think the crab needs to be further to the right and should use his other pincer to grab the bloke. That way you can see the crab's malevolent face (but no lips). The text also needs re-arranging. Basically, this is a bit crap so far, and therefore isn't being used up top. I thought I'd post it anyway though, just for anyone obsessive enough to follow my work progress.

Even though it's only a 3/10 effort, I then decided to colour it in a bit with inks and brushes. Just to see how it looks, really. Here it is:

Again, it's just a tester so you don't need to tell me how messy it is, etc. I am well aware.

I'll get it re-done someday, to a higher level of crabbiness. Keep your eyes peeled for Crabbed Into Sunlight 3!

Book Review: E.L.V.

I originally posted this on a forum and thought a few other people might like to read it too. Copy and paste ahoy!

I recently re-read this book:

E.L.V.

For about the 4th time. I've had it a while, and always enjoy it. I then read the sequel which is also rather good but gets more and more difficult to read as it goes along, probably why part 3 never made it to print!

So what is it? Well, E.L.V. stands for Evolution Limitation Volunteers, whose job is to travel back in time from the year 95 SEGS in order to prevent houseflies from growing to the size of cathedrals. They also have a problem with mice, but not the usual type. These are more like modified computer mice, with a twisted sense of humour. They have destroyed 99.9% of the world's books, and corrupted the computerised data storage (but not everyone thinks they have!)

It is a very funny read, with time-travel mechanics in the vein of Bill & Ted and humour similar to that of Terry Pratchett. Daft things happen, but they also end up being something clever. You sort of piece together what has happened to humanity as you go along, and everything is explained in the end... but not in a way that makes you feel stupid.

The main character Trafalgar Hurlock is instantly likeable and you share his views on the people around him. He's also useless (much like Rincewind or Arthur Dent), and asks for a lot of help from his future self. The sequel involves him fixing all the things he originally needs help with, which is why it begins to get so complicated! However, it is just as funny and even more clever with it's historical interferences.

I first discovered this book via my dad, whole stole it from a ship's library. He then got the sequel from a different ship! They're the only books he thought of as good enough to steal and re-read. So they must be good, huh?

Amazon has them for next to nothing, so why not take the risk and give them a go?

Hope you enjoy them as much as I have done (many times)!

Recipe: Kebabanash

Here's the first of a selection of recipe ideas which I have crudely sketched diagrams for.

Kebabanash is a rare delicacy found on the morning (or afternoon) after a houseparty or night out. It is made by using a tray of leftover kebab meat as an ashtray, which adds a unique seasoning flavour. Finding a tray of kebabanash has been known to double or even triple your current hangover. Eating it is not recommended, but I bet some poor mug has done, somewhere. It would probably make your microwave smell horrible too.

Breakfast treat.