Recipe: Noodle Pizza

Why stop at one student snack when you can have two... at the same time!

Missed a meal and need to catch up on stodge?

Can't decide between noodles or pizza?

Have BOTH my friend!

Noodle Pizza is something I have encountered twice so far. Once, I made it. I was living on whatever Aldi would sell me for dirt cheap... so pasta, noodles, and pizza as an occasional treat. It was fun being a student. I can't exactly remember WHY I made a noodle pizza of all things, but it must have seemed like a good idea at the time.

I believe I cooked the noodles separately, then added them to the already cooked pizza. I then added a bit of cheese and stuck it in the oven for an extra minute or two for optimum meltage. The resulting meal was actually pretty good. I will have used spicy noodles without a doubt, and probably a spicy pizza too. For once, I have just posted an actually edible foodstuff.

The other time I encountered it was as a Halloween party snack, made by someone else. They had taken it a step further and added green food dye to the noodles whilst cooking them. This was a bit too much for me, plus it was cold by the time I found it. I politely declined, as did almost everyone else at the party in question.

You really don't need a sketch of this one, but I did one anyway in case you've never seen a pizza before. It's very rough as I don't exactly expect many people to actually look at this blog. If anyone asks, the noodles are burnt.

They look more like scribbly pubic hair here though. I wouldn't suggest putting that on a pizza.

Supermutant Animal Duels

This mentalism starts from seeing the films Megashark vs Giant Octopus and Komodo vs King Cobra which are both terrible. After seeing the second of these abominations, we decided to make up our own ridiculous animal fights.

There have been too many to remember, at various intervals as this is a recurring conversation. I for one think there is still a great deal of scope for this particular topic.

However, when the conversation was in full swing last night, I decided to write a few classics down. They're pretty interchangeable... I was just saving two animals per duel in the order they were devised. Feel free to suggest your own. So without further ado, here's the Supermutant Animal Duels DVD box set film listings:

Pandaman vs Lazer Fox

Awesomehorse vs Thunderbug

Death Otter vs Stabby Frog

Battlepig vs Turboslug

Nuclear Mollusc vs The Phantom Microbe

Napalm Sloth vs Waterhawk

Solid Hamster vs Rage Turkey

Slippery Badger vs Massive Shrew

Vertical Panther vs Stupid Elephant

Solar Bear vs Spring Limpet

Season 2 will probably crop up at some point.

Recipe: Jam Limpets

As promised in the last recipe post, here's another little piece of cooking gone wrong courtesy of Graeme.

In an attempt to make some jam tarts, he in-deliberately invented another jam-based sea creature. The shape of the tart casings somehow came out... well... limpet-shaped. As if that wasn't enough, the jam within them was some kind of bizarre mixed jam, which was stickier than even the best superglues. It did such a good job of sticking to the roof of my mouth, my teeth, and my internal organs... that I can easily imagine these blighters in a sheltered rock pool, or stuck to the hull of a ship. These things have the potential to sink many a vessel with their stodge-based crust and ability to grip onto anything, probably even whilst underwater.

Anyway, as usual, I did a little sketch:

I for one can't wait to see his Jam Sea Anemone.

Recipe: Jam Crustacean

Not so much a recipe as a picture of wrongdom. Back in my old house, a frequent visitor called Graeme would occasionally turn up with baked goods. He still does this in the new house, as the recipe after this one will illustrate.

He seems to like making cakes, buns, cookies, biscuits, tarts... but with his own unique twist. Doing something wrong. Not a specific thing, but something. Well, the Wine Pie which he was involved with was a specific bit of wrong... wine and pies do not mix.

The Jam Crustacean is a sort of cake. A cake that didn't rise, and became a funny shape whilst being cooked. The surface of the cake was also hard and quite shiny. Basically, it should have looked like a cake, but actually looked like a crab. I'm not just saying that because I'm a crab enthusiast either, this happened a fair while before I'd even read a Guy N. Smith book!

Here's a little sketch of it:

As you can see, I took the liberty of adding some legs, pincers and eyes.

The line across the middle is where it was sliced open and filled with jam. You can't have a Jam Crustacean without jam.

I have no idea how you would achieve the construction of one of these things, and I doubt that Graeme does either. I think he just makes these things by accident, possibly when trying to turn lead into gold.

Satan's Crustaceans

I really want to form a band called Satan's Crustaceans despite being in no way musical.

I did a bit of research to see if there were already any bands under that name, and found this incredible article. Seems like a good blog to follow...

I also conducted a bit of a search on Myspace, and found this selection of hilarious crustacean based bands:

Ben Cheddar And The Potato Crustaceans
New Age Crustaceans
Midlife Crustaceans
Crustacean Armor
The Friendly Crustaceans
Killasauras The Crustacean
Crustacean Village
The Hot Crustacean Band
Harmonicus The Crustacean
Auto Erotic Crustacean
101 Crustaceans

Which is your favourite?

I think Satan's Crustaceans is free for me to use! Now to draw an awesome logo... and do nothing with it.

Rock Star Breakfast

Caution: This blog entry was written out of complete boredom whilst in Wakefield, and may therefore be long-winded and incredibly pointless.

This morning I woke up in a spare room in the house of a man called Steve, from a band called Khuda, in a place called Leeds. I was there of my own accord.

The night before I had attended a gig at The Cardigan Arms, a jolly good pub in Leeds. The gig room upstairs is pretty much under the control of a man called Tom, also from a band called Khuda. He made everyone some veggie-friendly curry, which was very nice.

The line-up was Khuda, Alright The Captain, Orders Of The British Empire and Magnapinna. I made sure to get there a bit early as:
a) It was a Sunday and there's only 1 train every hour or so from where I was, and if I hadn't got the one I did get, it would have been a further hour and a half wait.
b) I wanted to hang out with the Khuda and Alright The Captain boys. Last time they played at the same venue we all had a great night and a bit of an afterparty at Steve's previous abode.

After a 25 minute walk from the train station, in the extreme Yorkshire desert heat, I was in need of a pint. Leeds Pale was my drink of choice, and I headed into the venue room with my first of the night.

I immediately felt welcome when seeing Tom and the guys from A.T.C. and joined them in a bit of a sit and some banter. After a while, some bands played.

Khuda were on first, and I have seen them perform a solid set on a number of occasions. Their album is due out soon, and I can't wait to go and buy a copy... despite having the mp3s and artwork to hand already. The set here included a couple of new ones, which sounded great, particularly the set opener. There were some problems with a string break, a tuning issue and Tom being half-deaf for the least manly reason ever (which I won't go into). Regardless, I enjoyed them as I always do!

Next up it was Alright The Captain, who also had a selection of new tunes to play. I was well impressed with all the material on show here, and I think the particularly loud and heavy sound within the venue for the whole night made this set stand out more than the previous times I've seen them. I may have even enjoyed it a touch more than on the CDs I have!

The next band, Orders Of The British Empire are doing the full tour with Alright The Captain, so I expected them to be good, even though I knew nothing about them. I wasn't let down! Heavy post-rock sort of stuff, played really well in an almost pitch black room. I was very surprised to hear this was their first ever tour, because they were bloody good!

Finally, the ever-incredible Magnapinna. I can't even begin to describe how well these guys play. They must practice a lot. So much force goes into the kick on the drums, the kit had to be moved and fixed on more than one occasion during the set!

After a speedy load out (it over-ran a bit) and me buying an A.T.C. shirt and an O.B.E. CD, I piled into the front of the O.B.E. van to get to Steve's house. We actually managed to beat him there, even though he set off (on foot) considerably earlier. We listened to a tiny bit of an Elvis Presley interview CD whilst on the road. Not very entertaining.

Plenty more banter was to be had, along with a beer and some daft film or other on the TV. A lot of the conversation revolved around all the bands / venues / promoters that Khuda and O.B.E. have encountered so far, and I was surprised at how many of the things mentioned were also people & places that I was well aware of or had encountered.

After a good lengthy sleep, I came back down to the living room (which also housed the smell of boys) and found the boys from O.B.E. on the sofas and floor. After a cup of tea from a heat sensitive mug showing a woman in (and out of) a bikini, we devised a plan for what to do next. As I had no idea where I was for walking back into Leeds, I jumped back in the van for a trip down to a guitar shop and some food, after we had said our goodbyes to Steve, and O.B.E. very generously gave me a T-shirt.

We went for some grub in what we originally thought was a Wetherspoons, but ended up being some other pub. All day breakfast was £8.45! However, there was a two for £10 deal, and it was well worth a fiver. I say it was well worth it, I actually had mine paid for by James the guitarist. As there were five of us, Dan the drummer decided to buy two for himself (at £1.55 extra, you might as well, eh?!) but with the actual intention of sharing out the second. I ended up having some mushrooms and black pudding out of it anyway.

Breakfast talking points seemed to revolve around more bands, venues and promoters, tour plans, set lists, recordings, mortgages and poo. All the usual band stuff then really.

Then we walked to the guitar shop, which was much further than any of us expected. More than half way to the station in fact, which was a bit rubbish because two of us were heading that way, but my stuff was still in the van. So I walked back with James, we drove back to the guitar shop, and it was here that I said my goodbyes to the band. Apart from Dan that is, as he was getting the train to Nottingham instead of jumping in the back of the van. A wise man indeed.

We walked to the station from there, and I then went of to Jumbo records to get a hold of the Quack Quack album, which is awesome. Back to the station and then home after that. Home to the world of boredom.

So that's what I've done with my day, how about you?

Being Sir Michael Parkinson

I started making a little montage of Parkies cut from those bits of junk mail from Sun Life Direct. Somehow, it seems like they found out, because they recently gave me a whopping FOUR letters at once! Each one features a good 4 or 5 pictures of Parky, but I'm trying not to repeat myself... yet. When I have enough pieces of Sun Life mail with his face on them, I'm probably going to do a full film poster style effort of Being Sir Michael Parkinson. Anyway, here's the little selection of different Parkies (some of them are just different sizes of the same face) so far:

You may notice a selection of chlamydia propaganda too... Again, it comes in the post and is considered funny enough to go on our upstairs toilet wall. I'll make sure to post more pictures of some of the other treats soon enough.

I can't say I have ever seen any kind of Parkinson based TV programs. I just find his envelope-printed face amusing.

Wall Painting

Painting on walls.

Normally, I stick to drawings and paintings on a small scale, no bigger than A4, and normally much smaller. However, I was asked to "help out" with a wall-sized version of the famous M.C. Escher picture "Relativity" absolutely ages ago. I'm pretty sure it was St. Patrick's day 2009 actually. It's on a big wall on the stairs of a bar in Sunderland called The Hive. All the walls are painted / being painted by various people in various styles.

Over a year later, and it's not finished. I can give you a good selection of excuses:

1. I'm doing it on my own now, and have been almost for the entire duration.

2. I can only paint on Sunday nights for safety reasons, and when both me and the staff are prepared to stay awake... so not very often.

3. I normally do tiny things, so this is a big step up!

4. It's a picture by Escher. Not exactly the simplest of things...

5. I can't really do realistic looking people. Someone else is going to have to fill them in, probably before I can finish off all the handrails.

Anyway, despite the excuses, I'm prepared to post a picture of it so far... although when I last saw it, it had a few additional stains and bits of graffiti on it. I suppose that's the risk of having it on the stairs which lead up to the blokes' toilets.

Click on the picture to see it bigger and therefore better. I can't really get a straight view of the picture as it's on some stairs. But you get the idea.

I told my dad I was doing a spot of wall painting when he last decorated the living room of my folks' house in Yorkshire. So he had a go himself. Not an Escher picture, but everyone's favourite big red guy, Satan:

You can definitely see where I get it from. Sadly, he then painted over this... but I'll always know that he's under there, somewhere.

The Pattern Theory

I'm putting a gig on in September, my 2nd one so far. As well as sorting the venue, bands, etc. I'm doing the poster design. I enjoy doing this kind of thing, but it takes me ages.

For this project I made a bunch of triangle shaped rubber stamps and make a few interesting patterns. A bit obvious considering the band name, but the results came out pretty well as far as I'm concerned.

Here's the work in progress poster idea, with a typeface that I also did myself:

What do you reckon? The pattern shown only uses one rubber stamp, which has a sort of "T" shape cut out of it. I did a few more using the other stamps I cut out, some of which you can see here:

Which is your favourite from the bunch? The last one is pretty similar to the final one to be used on the poster, but I thought it was better to just use one stamp rather than three different ones.

Check out the band to see if you think my design suits their musical style:

The Pattern Theory

Cheers for any feedback!

Boots

Less than 2 weeks ago, I turned 24. My housemate and good friend Jamil decided to get me a paint-it-yourself figure of a monkey called Boots. The box indicates that he is from a TV show called Dora The Explorer, which I can't say I've ever seen... though I've heard people mention it. Usually in sentences that begin with "I really hate that program called..."

Anyway, the suggested colour scheme of blue, pink and yellow looked horrible on the box art, and since the character is of no relevance to me, I decided to just paint him like an actual monkey. I say actual monkey, I mean generic cartoon monkey. With gold boots.

I didn't use the provided bright acrylic paints or horrendous plastic fibre brush, otherwise it would have looked like a child did it. It seems unfair how they provide such terrible tools for children, they're never going to do anything good with them. No one is!

Anyway, without further ado, here is Boots the monkey:

As you can see, he's in a bit of a stupid pose. He's sort of looking skyward, but based on the size of his massive head, I suppose it was necessary to prevent the figure from falling over. I took a photo to show more of his face anyway:

Horrible little bugger, isn't he? I wouldn't trust him with any kind of footwear, especially golden boots. If anyone is wondering what his back looks like, then here it is:

Why anyone would wonder what that looks like is beyond me. What, have you never seen a monkey's back? I suppose it does show off the "copyright 2007 Viacom International Inc." thing, which I also decided to paint gold. Finally, how's about a close-up of his disco footwear?

As you can see, I also gloss varnished his boots and the word "Boots" on the stand.

I had a good few hours of entertainment out of this £1.50 statue designed to be painted by a child. Let's face it, they would have only done a balls job and then given up.

He now sits proudly on a shelf above my desk. I was also given a similar paint-it-yourself figure of a horribly sculpted Spiderman, by my housemate Ian. That abomination (Spiderman, not Ian) is getting painted next... Keep an eye out!

Wallpaper

Have you ever tried to get to sleep, and failed repeatedly? Is your bed near a wall? Then I presume you will have spent a good few hours looking at the patterns in the wallpaper, making faces from the lines...

Last night (well, about 6:15am today actually) I started to devise a picture on my wall. I could definitely see a body and limbs, and some jagged teeth... then it pretty much all fell into place.

I tend to keep a pen to hand when I go to bed, just in case I fancy drawing something before sleep (I do a lot of my sketches there, last night I did a full typeface!) so I thought "sod it, it's my wall!" and decided to draw in the weird thing I had seen. If only to see how it would look.

Obviously, it's very crude and I have no idea what it actually is. Some kind of cyclops with a fat belly, pointed ears, elephant feet umbrella stands on his legs, and arms which have claws despite the lack of fingers. His pose suggests he is falling over whilst drunk, lamely clawing at an invisible wall for some support. Well, here he is:

I reckon I might paint him in full colour someday, if I can be arsed. I don't generally take paints to bed though. Oh, and give you an idea of scale, he's about 25cm across and 20cm tall.

I guess it looked better at 6:15am...

Recipe: Wine Pie

Never make this.

I can't stress that enough, this is the most revolting thing I've ever encountered. Well, probably.

The basic premise of this dish, is to create a pie with a high alcohol content. When we made this disaster a few years ago, there was very little method to our madness. Basically we bought a bottle of cheap white wine from Booze Buster or similar, and some pastry mix to create a lid for the pie. So far so good... but what would also be in the pie? I mean, you can't just have wine sloshing about in the glass bowl we were using for a pie dish with a pastry lid on top, can you?

Some genius decided that bread would do an excellent job of soaking up the wine, and would then be edible. Wrong on both accounts. Regardless, a selection of slices of white bread had their crusts removed, and were placed in the bowl. Wine was added during the process, to create a "layered" effect... in actuality it was more like a "mush" effect. Here's a little sketch to show you the process... though as stated, it is never to be copied:

The lid was then stuck on top and glazed (probably with more wine) before the whole thing went in the oven for a fair while. There was some concern as to the safety of the glass bowl either cracking with heat or exploding due to the masses of wine within it. Thankfully it was fine, but probably got binned soon after.

The resulting product, our wine pie, was the worst thing. The pie crust was fine, a good solid pastry mix, nothing could possibly go wrong there. We even ate this bit of the damn thing, because you actually could.

The contents of the pie were not so appealing, in fact I would say they were definitely inedible. A gooey mush of white bread doused with warm horrible wine which had somehow changed flavour for the worse whilst inside the oven. We all had a go at eating some, but just thinking about it now makes me feel shameful to have done so. It doesn't make me feel sick though, strangely... but not something I would go back for seconds of.

I'm sure the resulting carnage was left to one side for a good week before being thrown out. It didn't mature with age either, it just went smelly.

Never make this.

Giant Crabs

Recently I purchased three more Guy N. Smith crab books, bringing my total up to a healthy eight (including a graphic novel). The new ones in my collection are Crabs Unleashed (a book of three short stories), Crabs Armada (a single short story) and Crabs' Fury (the graphic novel).

I am now only missing Crabs: The Human Sacrifice, the rarest in the series, but apparently it is due to be re-released someday. I'm happy to wait as all the books I have bought direct from Guy N. Smith have been signed, and the recent order also included a keyring, bookmark and fridge magnet... plus some info about joining his fan club and attending "CrabCon" at his house!

Anyone reading this and thinking "crikey, these books must be good if you go so far out of your way to collect them all!" would no doubt enjoy a review of them. Well, I do intend on doing this someday... but not right now. I want to finish my collection and then I can rate each book on a scale of 1 to crab. Crabs' Fury actually contains a very enthusiastic run down of events in all the books, but leaves out Crabs: The Human Sacrifice as one to read yourself. This is because a) it's really rare, b) it's really good and c) it's getting re-released and they want you to buy it.

Anyway, in the wait for me to buy and read this book (when it is released) I thought I should give you a sample of giant crab horror. I found this recently when browsing the internet looking for giant killer crabs, as I often do. It makes no mention of Guy N. Smith, but it is too close to the content of his series of books to not be a homage. Unless they've just not mentioned him in the hope that no-one has heard of him. Enjoy!

To follow this up, The Onion News Network also posted an article about giant crabs a while ago, that still features relevant information. Again, I think they must be aware of Guy N. Smith, though this is much less directly linked than the last video. Still a cracking watch though!

Click-Click-Clickety-Click

Recipe: Pie Sandwich

A nice easy one to follow, this is a good way to use up you last few slices of bread, and a specifically bought pie of your choice. Better than any other sandwich filler anyway. Mine's a steak and kidney! Scotch pies fit quite nicely into a teacake.

Be prepared for a meal made of pure stodge. The most filling thing you could possibly imagine. You may experience some ultimate drymouth before you access the gravy within the pie too.

Here's a completely unnecessary sketch of how to build your own:

Stodge.

Crabbed Into Sunlight 2

...this time it's crabbier.

In actual fact, the name of this entry does not refer to a film. It's not even a sequel to the original Crabbed Into Sunlight post really, I just wanted to re-use the name. Adding a "2" just saves confusion. Or generates it, whichever.

The other night I decided to sketch out a quick banner idea for this here blog. It was just a tiny messy scribble when I was half asleep, so it's far from perfect! It looked like this:

I think the crab needs to be further to the right and should use his other pincer to grab the bloke. That way you can see the crab's malevolent face (but no lips). The text also needs re-arranging. Basically, this is a bit crap so far, and therefore isn't being used up top. I thought I'd post it anyway though, just for anyone obsessive enough to follow my work progress.

Even though it's only a 3/10 effort, I then decided to colour it in a bit with inks and brushes. Just to see how it looks, really. Here it is:

Again, it's just a tester so you don't need to tell me how messy it is, etc. I am well aware.

I'll get it re-done someday, to a higher level of crabbiness. Keep your eyes peeled for Crabbed Into Sunlight 3!

Book Review: E.L.V.

I originally posted this on a forum and thought a few other people might like to read it too. Copy and paste ahoy!

I recently re-read this book:

E.L.V.

For about the 4th time. I've had it a while, and always enjoy it. I then read the sequel which is also rather good but gets more and more difficult to read as it goes along, probably why part 3 never made it to print!

So what is it? Well, E.L.V. stands for Evolution Limitation Volunteers, whose job is to travel back in time from the year 95 SEGS in order to prevent houseflies from growing to the size of cathedrals. They also have a problem with mice, but not the usual type. These are more like modified computer mice, with a twisted sense of humour. They have destroyed 99.9% of the world's books, and corrupted the computerised data storage (but not everyone thinks they have!)

It is a very funny read, with time-travel mechanics in the vein of Bill & Ted and humour similar to that of Terry Pratchett. Daft things happen, but they also end up being something clever. You sort of piece together what has happened to humanity as you go along, and everything is explained in the end... but not in a way that makes you feel stupid.

The main character Trafalgar Hurlock is instantly likeable and you share his views on the people around him. He's also useless (much like Rincewind or Arthur Dent), and asks for a lot of help from his future self. The sequel involves him fixing all the things he originally needs help with, which is why it begins to get so complicated! However, it is just as funny and even more clever with it's historical interferences.

I first discovered this book via my dad, whole stole it from a ship's library. He then got the sequel from a different ship! They're the only books he thought of as good enough to steal and re-read. So they must be good, huh?

Amazon has them for next to nothing, so why not take the risk and give them a go?

Hope you enjoy them as much as I have done (many times)!

Recipe: Kebabanash

Here's the first of a selection of recipe ideas which I have crudely sketched diagrams for.

Kebabanash is a rare delicacy found on the morning (or afternoon) after a houseparty or night out. It is made by using a tray of leftover kebab meat as an ashtray, which adds a unique seasoning flavour. Finding a tray of kebabanash has been known to double or even triple your current hangover. Eating it is not recommended, but I bet some poor mug has done, somewhere. It would probably make your microwave smell horrible too.

Breakfast treat.

I'm Spinning Around

I don't play video games. I don't have the time, or rather I prefer to spend my time doing other equally pointless things... like this. However, I will happily watch someone else play games, and occasionally demand that they do things that I would do. This normally involves jumping off cliffs, blowing stuff up, and basically doing it wrong.

Some games don't need any suggestions though. They're already stupid. I particularly enjoy it when something funny happens that shouldn't be funny. A serious game, but with some dodgy dialogue or actions... I suppose it's time for some examples.

Hitman: Blood Money is a recent (revisited) classic in my house, the best thing about the game being displayed in this here video. They picked a good piece of backing music for the subject matter, though Kylie Minogue's "I'm Spinning Around" is usually what people sing in my personal experience.

Next up is some Sherlock Holmes game. I dunno, I basically got sent this video and found it to be right up my street. The presentation of the whole video is spot on!

Here's a nice slab of dialogue from an RPG called Infinite Undiscovery. It goes on a bit, but the funny part (as far as I'm concerned) begins around 4:55 in, and ends around 5:10. You'll soon hear what amuses me. How anyone can take that seriously beats me!

Finally, a clip from the recent Alone In The Dark game. Just one line made me laugh, which is heard around the 7:30 mark. Feel free to skip the rest, I could only find walkthroughs.

Do you know any other video game funnies? Like I said, I enjoy watching these stupid bits more than I would enjoy playing the games in full.

And now, I shall drain all life from this land, and ascend... TO THE MOON!!!

Book (well, comic) review: Pbrainey's Book of Lists

For anyone unaware of Pbrainey, hello. I'm not entirely surprised you haven't heard of him, as until late last year, neither had I. I met him at a Leeds comic thing, and swapped a copy of my very own publication Notes magazine for part one of his time-travel epic "There's No Time Like The Present" of which I recently bought part 12. The final part is due out very soon, and I'll be doing a review of it all when I have it. He tells me he doesn't normally do swaps as he tends to end up with some rubbish he doesn't like... but he seemed to enjoy Notes, thankfully.

He's a prolific comic book writer and artist, very methodical and a great story-teller. He also answers his emails, posts various blogs and is generally an all-round good egg. Some people say he looks like Howard from the Halifax adverts, but you should never say that to his face. Personally I think he looks more like a Megabus driver called Norm:

As you can see in that photo, he did this thing called "The Book of Lists". What's that then? Well, as mentioned he's very methodical, and self confessed to being quite obsessive about particular things. As such, he keeps a book of lists. Lists of what? Everything. Lists of things his workmates eat, lists of things to worry about, lists of farts, lists of drunken occasions, lists of lies, lists of compliments received... it just goes on and on! Some of the list subjects are incredibly obscure and make you laugh before you even begin to read them...

The book in question compiles a vast selection of these lists, but drawn out in a comic book style. This is highly entertaining. Many sections are funny, some are serious, but all are very honest and open. He concentrates on the small details that make you laugh but are normally quickly forgotten. Things we can all relate to and understand, even things you would never publicly discuss but always think about.

I guess it's easier to show you what I mean than to describe everything, so here are some examples taken from his website:

http://www.pbrainey.com/BookOfLists/i_forgot.htm

http://www.pbrainey.com/BookOfLists/gym_donts.htm

http://www.pbrainey.com/BookOfLists/lies.htm

The last of these three example pages features my favourite picture in the whole book, which you can see at the bottom right hand corner.

Since I bought this book (originally due to lack of patience with the frequency of the aforementioned There's No Time Like The Present series, but wanting some more Pbrainey action) I have read it a good 5 times at least, from cover to cover... and sometimes I just pick it up and read a random one. I've also shared it with a few people, and what happens is always the same: I pass the book to someone, to show them a particularly funny list. They laugh, then read the next one... and the next... until eventually they reach the back cover. Then they start at the beginning and read up to where they started off originally! That is definitely the sign of a good book in my eyes!

You can read a load of his comics for free on his site here:

http://www.pbrainey.com

You can also buy the Book of Lists from there, for the very reasonable cost of £10.95 including postage and packing (within the UK). That might sound like quite a lot, but I've easily had my money's worth out of it already, and I will no doubt re-visit it on many occasions to come!

...or you can just read the freebies and have a little chuckle to yourself. I especially enjoy this one:

http://www.pbrainey.com/gang.htm

WA-HEY!

And on that bombshell I will leave you to read at your leisure, and hopefully you'll give the man a few coppers. Enjoy!

Beard Basket

Right, here's an attempt to explain one of the greatest facial hair designs known to man. Well, unknown to most men, as it was only invented a few months ago. But it's going to catch on, believe me.

Ladies and gentlemen: The Beard Basket

The basic premise is that you grow a good strong Lemmy style mutton-chop moustache combo... and then grow the front bits really long. When they reach a good length, you can then weave them into a little basket. Just big enough to house an egg.

Perhaps you could start with a quail's egg and work your way up like people do with those earplug things. If anyone reaches the level of ostrich then they deserve a medal. Standard chicken would be a good compromise.

The middle bit of the chin needs to be perfectly clean-shaven. This keeps stains to a minimum and makes sure passers-by get the best possible view of whatever egg you have on display. Perhaps a nice blue duck egg. Of course, you can decorate your egg with colourful Easter designs, or just draw on a face. Maybe even a full series of faces on a collection of eggs, ready to represent your mood as you keep a straight face to prevent egg movement.

This new fashion craze would be particularly well represented by the metal scene. Not only do eggs make a great canvas for corpse paint, but wearers of this fabulous new invention would allow their eggs to swing about freely as they headbang. This would soon become a dance-off style competition, with the first person to cover their own face in eggy residue the "winner" and therefore the most metal person in the room. Obviously.

Spillages would need a spot of Febreze or maybe even a blast of Cillit Bang to maintain a healthy clean beard basket.

Alternative rules to the egg-face game include weaving elastic into the beard to create a miniature catapult, or growing the beard basket to be particularly low in order to play a variation of conkers.

You can also use the basket to store other items, such as a spare key, a lighter, a tiny flask of mead, some business cards, a collection of marbles, or perhaps a lucky charm.

Chinese style moustaches can also be weaved into a similar basket, though this may compromise some of the structural integrity.

Finally, why not have an egg and beard race with your friends, by seeing who can get theirs to hatch first? A good clean chin would even allow you to regurgitate food for the tiny bird nestling in your facial fuzz.

The possibilities are endless.