Beard Basket

Right, here's an attempt to explain one of the greatest facial hair designs known to man. Well, unknown to most men, as it was only invented a few months ago. But it's going to catch on, believe me.

Ladies and gentlemen: The Beard Basket

The basic premise is that you grow a good strong Lemmy style mutton-chop moustache combo... and then grow the front bits really long. When they reach a good length, you can then weave them into a little basket. Just big enough to house an egg.

Perhaps you could start with a quail's egg and work your way up like people do with those earplug things. If anyone reaches the level of ostrich then they deserve a medal. Standard chicken would be a good compromise.

The middle bit of the chin needs to be perfectly clean-shaven. This keeps stains to a minimum and makes sure passers-by get the best possible view of whatever egg you have on display. Perhaps a nice blue duck egg. Of course, you can decorate your egg with colourful Easter designs, or just draw on a face. Maybe even a full series of faces on a collection of eggs, ready to represent your mood as you keep a straight face to prevent egg movement.

This new fashion craze would be particularly well represented by the metal scene. Not only do eggs make a great canvas for corpse paint, but wearers of this fabulous new invention would allow their eggs to swing about freely as they headbang. This would soon become a dance-off style competition, with the first person to cover their own face in eggy residue the "winner" and therefore the most metal person in the room. Obviously.

Spillages would need a spot of Febreze or maybe even a blast of Cillit Bang to maintain a healthy clean beard basket.

Alternative rules to the egg-face game include weaving elastic into the beard to create a miniature catapult, or growing the beard basket to be particularly low in order to play a variation of conkers.

You can also use the basket to store other items, such as a spare key, a lighter, a tiny flask of mead, some business cards, a collection of marbles, or perhaps a lucky charm.

Chinese style moustaches can also be weaved into a similar basket, though this may compromise some of the structural integrity.

Finally, why not have an egg and beard race with your friends, by seeing who can get theirs to hatch first? A good clean chin would even allow you to regurgitate food for the tiny bird nestling in your facial fuzz.

The possibilities are endless.